A couple coming apart is a hard thing to deal with. So many thoughts unfold in your mind and bring on a storm of emotions. We spend way too much time stuck, not knowing how to deal with each other. And the worst thing is, it’s almost impossible to find a way forward on your own.

There are a number of simple yet effective tools that could avoid unnecessary suffering and conflict. In the past, my wife and I had both heard of a technique called active listening. But it was only when we went for couple’s counselling that we discovered just how useful and life changing it could be.

Now if you are anything like I was before I started active listening, you might scoff at the idea, but I would encourage you to keep on reading, as it is not as silly as it might sound.

Active listening is a very simple idea, yet it’s much harder to do than what you might imagine, especially when you are in a relationship where conflict, resentment and blame are front and center.
The concept here is for one person to express how they feel about a certain situation or situations, while the other person listens with undivided attention and is able to ask questions to better understand. Once the person is done speaking, the roles are switched, and the listener becomes the speaker, and the speaker becomes the listener.

Of course, everyone has to be motivated and be willing to make the effort to stick to it. When couples I have coached applied active listening along with other insights and tools, the results have been quite impressive. This has led many couples to reconnect and find not only joy in communicating again, but also a renewed interest in each other.

There are a few rules that need to be applied for this to be effective and bring a positive outcome:

• One speaker at a time
  Having the space and the freedom to express yourself without interruptions is such an incredible feeling. It lets you structure and completely voice your idea. It also lets the listener hear the whole idea instead of responding to snippets that usually don’t tell the whole story and then detract from the initial point.
  This is why there is only one speaker and one listener at a given time. When the first speaker is completely done, the listener can then ask pertinent questions so that the speaker can clarify or expand her or his idea.
  Then the roles reverse and the process can start again.
  
• Actively listen
  Most of us would tend to say “of course I listen!”. But actively listening is harder than it sounds: The listener gives the speaker their undivided attention. This means paying full attention to what is being said while looking directly at the person, and without trying to find answers, rebuttals or thinking about how the meeting with your boss went that day.
  
  If you haven’t tried this yet, you might find it very challenging, as we usually tend to want to answer things right away, or construct a counter argument in our minds. However, if you give a person the space to express themselves fully so they can give you the full version of what they are going through, you might be surprised by what you hear. So always be curious and let the speaker show you their way of seeing things.
  
  Now this is a skill that you build up with time. So be patient with each other, and if there is an interruption, kindly remind the listener that you aren’t done yet, so they can give you the space to continue.
  And if your mind drifts while you are the listener, just notice that, and bring your attention back and focus on the speaker again.
  Don’t worry, it gets easier every time you do it.
  
• Express your feelings, not blame
  Everyone is wired differently, and the way we see a certain situation is sometimes difficult for two people to agree upon, as it is based on each person’s perception of what is happening. This can very often lead to misinterpreting why the other person said or did a certain thing.
  There are several tricks to avoid this, but the two I find most effective are the following.
  
  First off, expressing how you felt instead of explaining what you think helps you stay away from giving your interpretation of what was happening. This removes any possible clash over diverging opinions of a situation. Don’t forget, this can be seen in several different ways, but what you felt on the other hand is personal to you.
  So instead of saying “It was so annoying when you left the milk out!”, replace what you thought it was like by what you felt: “I felt annoyed when you left the milk out”.
  This first trick removes the insignificant debate about whether leaving the milk out was annoying or not, as not everyone feels annoyed by that. This leaves room for the listener to hear what the speaker is going through instead of an opinion of the situation.
  
  Secondly, try and formulate your account of the situation from your point of view and not based on the other person. So instead of saying “I felt annoyed when you left the milk out”, turn the statement inward instead of outward, which could then look like this:
  “I felt annoyed when I saw the milk out”
  By making it about what brought on annoyance instead of who, it stops you from pointing the finger at the other person, which in turn makes them more receptive to what you are saying. No one likes being blamed!
  
  Simply removing your opinion and blame, you go from “It was so annoying when you left the milk out!” to a more neutral statement of “I felt annoyed when I saw the milk out”. Which version would you prefer hearing?
  
• Question with Curiosity
  As we get older and grow with experience, we evolve and change. However, our partners can still be left with seeing us the way we were instead of who we are today.
  That is why constant curiosity in a couple is important. Because most of us are so involved in the smaller day to day events and practical aspects of our busy lives, we miss the bigger changes which occur on a larger scale.
  When we listen to what our partners are going through, we base our understanding on the old stories we know about them. This can, for example, lead to thinking we know what they will say before they even say it, or dismiss a feeling they have because we think we know their character better than they do.
  However, this common bias can be fought against by bringing your cusiosity out, listening and wondering what has changed since last you spoke. And when you think you understood what the other is saying, simply check with them to make sure that is indeed what they meant, ask further questions so you can update your own stories, or at least make sure those stories are still valid.
  
  So go into a conversation telling yourself you don’t know this new person in front of you as well as you think, as in the past hour, they could have gone through something or finished a book that has changed their own personal stories.
  
• Be consistent
  For this tool to be effective, it should be used as often as possible. If you wait for conflict to arise, it could only be the tip of the iceberg: one person or both could have already harbored resentment for each other, or started to feel disengaged.
  
  However if you do apply this consistently, you will not only get more and more comfortable with the process, but you will come to find it very gratifying and notice you are keeping small misunderstandings from turning into bigger problems.
  
  Every couple will have to experiment to know what best fits them and their schedules. Although there are exceptions, my wife and I do this every day and tend to spend 20 minutes on average in the morning after the school run. This however can change, depending on whether it’s a normal school day, the weekend or a vacation away, and can range from 5 minutes to even upwards of an hour if time permits and we have a lot to share.
  

It seems these days there is a lot of talking and shouting going on, but not many people who know how to really listen. And yet, there is nothing quite like having someone listen to you without any interruptions and without being told how wrong you are. I would encourage not only couples, but anyone to try active listening out, and to reap the rewards it offers.

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